Please don't leave me!
Hearing: "Waste"; StaindWearing: Long sleeved red gap tee and dark denim
Feeling like: Well fuck that, and fuck us, and fuck them and fuck you.
Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
I got out of bed this morning and my eyes hurt, my abs hurt. I went to psych, came back went to bed for an hour, went to chamber choir and am sitting here now feeling numb. Long story short: Nathan doesn't want to be with me. Doesn't even want to try. You've always got an excuse, don't you boys?I love my friends. As soon as I got done talking to him last night I ran to Stacey's and cried harder than I've cried in a long ass time. To the point where I made myself sick. It was pathetic and disgusting. I had to go over to Mike and Cam's to do Psych homework and Mike read the whole thing. James (Mike's boyfriend) sat there and held my hand and let me "vry on his shoulder" and I got done and tried to be empowering. Then Mikey brought up the fact that "if you lived here. . " was said. Then I cried again. Damn the "if you. . ." "if I. . ." statements. Well if I were smart I'd be reveling in the beautiful rainy day that's going on right now and not sitting in my room staring blakly at the screen.
What surprises me is that after I cried and after "I just don't understand"ed I didn't feel anything. I still don't. I'm not mad at him. I'm hurt, that's for damn sure, but who wouldn't be? I don't feel anything. I'm completely numb. Fully apathetic towards the whole situation.
I walk across campus and people I barley know, that I've just talked to a couple of times and giving me hugs and telling me to smile, that things will get better. I haven't been myself in over two weeks and it's all because I let a couple of guys take over my thoughts. I've never let that happen before, why am I letting that happen now? There's too many questions and too many possible answers.
