Please don't leave me!
Hearing:Wearing:
Feeling like:
Monday, Dec. 10, 2001
Dear Angel,WTF? I hate days like today! They totally suck! I wanted to crawl into a hole the entire day! I�m still really confused about everything and I told Tessa and Ali what�s going on but it�s not helping. And all day Techau�s like, �Court is something wrong? I know there�s something wrong.� But I can�t tell him. I could tell anyone but him! I�m so lost. It�s like I can�t control myself one minute and it takes all my will power to keep me from jumping the man and then the next I�m like, ew god! What was I thinking!?
I�m totally convinced that it�s because there is nobody around here acceptable and I just have nowhere else to direct my attention. I wish it would just go away. It also could be that I just want him to want me! I would like anyone to want me. But it would be the fact that he wanted me and he couldn�t have me, and I wanted him and couldn�t have him. It would be a cruel irony! And then I start this whole thing that if only I had made all state he�d want me. If only I could loose 30 lbs he�d want me. If only I didn�t go flat all the time . . . if only I was more desirable . . .If only . . .
I�m beginning to wish I hadn�t told Tessa. Not that I don�t trust her, just that I don�t want her to judge me. I think I�m just creating things to make my life look more interesting on the screen.
I really miss Nieve; I need her humor and spunkiness to get my mood up. I just keep telling myself this weekend; she�ll be here this weekend!
Always,
Courtney
�You must believe in love and trust, it�s on it way.�
