Please don't leave me!
Hearing:Wearing:
Feeling like:
December 10, 2001
Note: This was origanally an e-mail to TessaI really need to tell you something, but I can't, I don't know! I'm so fucking confused right now and I don't know who to talk to about it. Normally I can talk to Techau about anything, but not this! It's so hard. I just don't know what to do. And I really wish I could tell you but I'm not totally sure what I'm feeling. I know that there is a part of me trying to fight it, but another part of me wants to bring it in and accept it and nurture it and just make it work. I know that it can't. But I want it to so bad that I'm in tears just writing this. Why is it that some people are just so right for you and so unattainable at the same time? I hate life! I hate life so fucking much! What is so wrong with me? Why am I so undesirable? What can I do? I want to change! I want people to look at me and think, "She is beautiful." "She is so pretty" I mean, everybody has nice qualities about them. Like you: you have gorgeous eyes, and you're an awesome person. Bernie: She's really cute and once again, an awesome person. Me I don't have any standout facial or physical features, plus that I'm a bitch! I hate being me! I just want to grow up, live my life and die. So just fuck the world. Fuck him. Fuck them all! Do you know that almost everyday I ask my self if there is one person in the world who would look at me and think "Damn, she's sexy!"? And then I answer my own question. Fuck no! B/c personality affects looks and personality wise, I'm just a bitch!
If you've figured out who I'm talking about please don't say anything to anybody, especially Bernie. Because she'll just say a bunch of shit like, that's gross, you're so dumb, Court. And it's sad because she's right.
Tessa what am I going to do? I can't deal with this! Write back soon.
