Please don't leave me!
Hearing:Wearing:
Feeling like:
December 01, 2001
Dear Angel,This is re-god-damned-diculous! I'm sitting here reading diaries of other people who say they have no life and in reality they have amazing, full of activity,in your face, I've got stuff to do and I'm gonna do it and here I sit writing about what I read in other peoples' diaries!
I hate my room it's too god damned cold! I hate swearing it makes me feel like such a bad person I really need to stop! And I hate not even being able to write the name of the person that I might possibly have feelings for, for fear of my peers. If only I didn't believe in deleting things! Well I may not have an interesting life but oh well!
I hate to sound whiny and complainy and self conscience and like I'm asking for compliments or anything but what is so undesireable about me? Why doesn't anybody want me? Even my friends don't seem to want me around. Tessa and Bernie go out together all the time and they have all these inside jokes and I feel so left out when I'm around them! Example: The Tuesday we got out for Thanksgiving, I had that little get together and I have never felt more uncomfortable in my own house than when I did that night! I'm so sick of feeling this way! I hate how it's so sporatic!
And then there's the paranoia! Everytime I walk into a room I "know" that they were talking and laughing about me, they had to be! Right?
And everytime the phone rings. . .oh, how I want it to be him! Just, even if he's calling to say hi or meet me at the rec center I'll be in the back part of the parking lot, park your car get into mine and we'll leave, together, and go somewhere, jest so we can be alone! Aren't dreams great!? And it's funny because I'm not even sure if I like him or if I just want him to like me!
Ehc! Early church and advent fair! Blech!
Here's to the night,
Court
"Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope it's you."
