Please don't leave me!
Hearing: black button down, grey pants.Wearing: 4 Blondes.
Feeling like: And you can have this heart to break
Monday, Dec. 13, 2004
I realized something this weekend. It's not that he used me, I was just convienent. Over the summer I was pretty much the only girl in out group, there were a few others but not many. Everything was going great. THen the night of his birthday when there were other girls around, I kind of disappeared. After that night thing were good again until we got back to school and then there was a plethra (like that?) of women for him to chase, so why would he want to sick with me? Where's the challenge? I realized this the other night while at a party and it seemed like everyone was using everyone else as a prop. He swears he didn't use me and I think I believe him, but everything points to me being expendable, a prop, doing him a favor and keeping him happy until he could find someone better. I just wish he would tell me what I did wrong! Friday he came to recital to see Larisa play and the moment I saw him I just started bawling. Rose forewarned me before I went into the hall that he was there and as I always do when I'm scared I started chewing on my ring, she saw the cuts on my wrist and freaked out. Then after, Priscilla came up and gave me hug and asked if I was okay. I just started crying my eyes out, I couldn't stop. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. Huge sobs to the point that I couldn't breathe.Saturday night, we went to see the play again. His parents were there and we his mom and I were teasing his dad and Susan said something about men being stupid and I laughed and Bill said boys were stupid, not men I said something to the effect that they're both pretty stupid, but it's okay because women are psycho. The he winks at me and says "Men are stupid huh? I'll tell Will you sound that." I wonder if they would still care about me as much as they seem to if they knew that I hardly speak to their son anymore.
Later on Saturday night Nieve called, drunk, but she still called. She talked to me about things with P.B. and how that was making her feel. She just kind of unloaded some stuff. And I loved it. I miss talking to her and Sara so much. I miss hanging around them and laughing so hard that the next morning our abs were sore. I wish I could go back in time to the night of Nieve's 21st birthday. There's so many things I would have done different. First of all I wouldn't have gotten so drunk that night. I would have slept on the floor at Ruth and Kim's so I wouldn't have had to share a bed with Will. Then things would be okay now. Wouldn't it?
One night this summer, Michael came over and said to me "You're in love with him you know." I protested that I wasn't for ever and a day, then he said "It's okay, I'm just glad you've fallen for a straight man that won't hurt you." I asked him "You think he won't hurt me?" And he said "I know he won't." So I let myself fall. I shouldn't have but I did. Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I�ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It�s just as well for all I�ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you�re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That�s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you�re the only one who knows
