mind the gap

Please don't leave me!

Hearing: Black sweater and jeans (Oh my god, BLACK? I never would have imagined!)
Wearing: 4 Blondes
Feeling like: 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004

Happy Thursday kids! 'Member when I said I'd never have the guts to kill myself? I'm beginning to wonder if I could actually do it. Saturday night Will called because he was upset that I kind of blew him off the night before. And after the conversation I climbed into Corrine's lap and cried for about forty-five minutes (I think I already wrote all of this) then I went into my room picked up my knife and took the dull side to my wrist. Just to feel the steel against my skin. Then I took the end of it and scratched into the skin on both sides of my veins. Sunday morning in the shower I sat on the floor of the tub and cried for about twenty minutes because I realized that if I would have slipped that would have been it. Nothing. No more. Bye bye Courtney. I had two major thoughts. Thought number One: I wonder how long it would be before Will found out and if he would even care. Thought Number Two: I would have gotten blood all over my white duvet cover. Damnit! I paid good money for that and here I've gone and ruined it! (You think I'm kidding on this one, but I'm serious!)

I love him so much, and I just want to be close to him, but I feel like every time I try to be close to him he thinks that I'm trying to be close with him for other reasons. I have no ulterior motives. I swear! (Oh god, I hate that sentence! Could I be any more “Valley Girl”?) I can barely trust a man to not drop me when we're dancing; I'm not going to be able to trust one in a relationship, especially him. I'm terrified that this has ruined me. I have issues trusting men right now, even people like Michael and Cameron. Guys that I tell everything to without a second thought and my mind is determined that they're "out to get me." I've stopped reading his diary (Will’s). I mean, I want to know what's going on with him, but I'm terrified that I'm going to open it one day and read something to the effect of "I realized last night what a mistake I made getting with Courtney over the summer. What was I thinking? Etc." I would die, that would seriously kill me. (Can you die from emotional overload?) He was the first man I ever loved and I want things to be good with him, but I don't know how to do that and not get hurt. You know the only time he ever apologized to me was when he was drunk? I want to talk to him so bad, but I know that he doesn’t want anything to do with me and I think that’s what hurts the most. I miss him so much. I want to help him, I want to listen to him talk, but I know he won’t confide in me anymore. I want him to call me, I want to talk to him. I want to be there for him, but he doesn’t need me anymore, I don’t know if he ever did.

God, I sound pathetic! I promise I'm going to stop talking about this sometime soon. It just helps to put it all out there for everyone. I feel like I'm confessing or something. I don't know anything anymore, I just know this helps!

On a bit of a better note, I went to the bar last night with Larael. We had a blast! It gave me a chance to forget about everything, until one of the guys I had a class with my freshman year asked me if I was still with Will. Then we had a whole conversation about how Erica had told him that we were together. Crazy. I just had the conversation and pushed it out of my mind. I spend the evening mostly with Eric, Dill and James. We laughed, flirted, played pool, I danced a bit with Cole and Heath. I was drooling over Brent the entire time, but then again I've been drooling over him since freshman year. If it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen. Damn. It's okay I guess, it helps to have something to strive for. Anyway, it was a good night. I had fun, genuine, real fun. Then I went home and went back to my usual depressed, psychotic self.

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mind the gap