mind the gap

Please don't leave me!

Hearing: Pink and black top and black pinstripe pants.
Wearing: "Straight Talking" Jane Green
Feeling like: But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you. . .

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004

I haven't been writing because there's nothing to write about. I'm not moving in to the Batcave at semester. Andrea's moving in to where I am now, so at the moment I am homeless for next semester. It's not that big of a deal, but you know how I am about planning! I have to know what's going on at all times and when things change I freak out.
It's been a bad week. Last night things got to the point where I was writing letters. Yup, actually writing them. Wrote them to my parents, Molly, Nieve and Sara, and Will. I mean, I think about it almost every night, but I don't have the guts to do it so don't worry.

I'm really unsure of how I feel at any given time. I don't know how I feel about Will. I don't know how I feel about this whole living situation. I don't know how I feel about going home for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I feel about anything.

Bring on the cheese. . . I really just want someone that I can talk to and feel totally comfortable with. I want someone to hold me, I'm still craving physical affection and I don't get it. This is creating a problem. Over the summer, I found out what it was like to have that type of person in my life and I liked it a little more that I should have. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't things work out for me, just once? Just once, I want to get what I want.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make everyone around me happy. I still think if the people I surround myself with were happy, then I would be too. Maybe that's true and maybe it's not. But I don't know if that's enough to make me happy. (Ironic isn't it that the banner over my entry at this time says, "Happiness is a warm gun. . .")

Last night, while talking to Will, I told him I was amazed that he was still talking to me. I was so horrible to him so many times, and he says, "It's okay I was an ass-hole to you on multiple occasions." And I told him no and he said, "You and I both know that's not true." he did what he had to do to be happy, that didn't include me. I still don't understand how it included me up until one random day, but that's for another time.

I'm scared. I am so terrified right now and I don't know what to do.

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mind the gap