Please don't leave me!Hearing: White button-down and dark denim
Wearing: Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber
Feeling like: Thanks for watching as I fall and letting me know we were done
Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004So I figure I should give you all the basic rundown of the summer and tell you all what's really going on instead of putting on the web-based facade. That and I think it will really help to write it all down.
M as we know has been in love with W forever and a day and for all that time W has been with E. So at the end of last semester they called everything off (they'd been together for about three years) and M couldn't have been happier. So M and W moved in together at the beginning of the summer. So the three of us hung out a lot, a lot, a lot. I practically lived with them. At the beginning of June, J, M, C, W and I all went to Utah for a gay pride fest. One night everyone went out to the Gay bars and I was tired so I stayed behind, W stayed too and we ended up talking for about three hours before we went to bed. Well, after we went to bed we fooled around for a while and everybody got involved with our sheet and it was this big drama. So after that I just figured it was just a fling and it brought us really close together, not a big deal. Then he invited me up to stay at his house for a night and it ended up happening again. I went up there with the idea that I wasn't going to fight it if he started something, but I wasn't going to initiate it either. But we can all see how that worked out. Basically we were a couple for the summer. We went out all the time, we were always having fun together and fooling around.
So where do things turn bad? About halfway thought August I realize that I'm head over heels, butt crazy, in love with him. So one night we decided to drive up to Salida for Taco Bell (Yes, we have to drive at least an hour for Taco Bell we're ghetto) and on the way back he started talking about how we've been acting like a couple and he thought about asking me if we could start dating and make it offical. So I'm getting really excited. Then he says he realizes that if we got together it would just be to make me happy. And we needed to stop acting like we were because he just wasn't ready for a relationship. Well that's some shit, because now he dating this cute, skinny little girl. I've once again been dumped without even being in the relationship to begin with. I was his rebound skank and I feel so used and so shitty about the whole situation all I ever want to do it cry about it. But I'm sick of crying about it and tired of talking about it.
So Last night I went to talk to him about things and he told me that we were just a fling. To him it was just a fling, I fell in love and got my heart ripped out though my ass hole! (Graphic, eh?) So now I'm scared I'm going to turn into one of those bitter women who won't let men in because she's afraid of getting hurt.
Today during class I could not get my mind off them. I was trying to focus on the parts of the flute and the clarinet, but every time I closed my eyes to try and see my study guide all I could see was him holding her or kising her the way he used to me.
So somebody please tell me what to do. I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I don't want to talk about it anymore because I know S and N are so tired of it. And nobody wants a friend who's like this all the time. How do I make the tears stop? How do I make it stop hurting? Really what do I do? I hate that I let myself get this fucked up over a guy!! I feel so helpless and worthless and totally used. Why did I do this to myself? How do I kick it?!?!?